3 (and a half) Secrets to Making Queer Friendships in Los Angeles

As queer people, we are lucky to have a built-in community in a city that can feel really, really big. But where do you find this community? And within the queer community, how do you find the people that you actually vibe with? 

These are the questions I asked myself after a breakup a few years ago, and when I was tired of being friendless, aside from my three friends I kept from high school and college (shoutout to the OGs, you know who you are!), I hit the pavement (and the internet) in a search for ~friends~. 

Today, I have a circle of amazing close friends, a looser shape of friends I’m still getting to know, and I connect with new, interesting people all the time. And most of these people I met in my mid-to-late 20s. It’s not impossible to make new friends as an adult, even in a big city.

These are my queer friendship-making secrets, and the community spaces and platforms that made some of these friendships possible.

Secret #1: Find a weekly activity, and show up.

Before 2021, I had almost no relationship with exercise, fitness, or my body in general. Growing up, I was more arts n crafts type than sporty spice, and once I started participating in Corporate America™, I lived a super sedentary lifestyle. I’m not exaggerating when I say that Everybody Gym changed my life.

If you’re in LA and you have a body, you MUST MUST MUST check out Everybody Gym. Friendship potentials aside, this is the most beautiful space. This gym is a breath of fresh air: no creepy guys, no toxic masculinity dominating the weights and machines, just an uplifting vibe that celebrates movement for the sheer joy of movement. You won’t find any of the usual toxic diet culture, weight-loss obsession, or ‘no pain, no gain’ pressure here. And it’s unapologetically, gloriously queer.

I get bored with a solo gym routine, so I signed up for a bunch of the group classes (yoga, dance, strength, etc). Once I started going more regularly, I got to know the other folks in the class, including the instructors! 

There’s some cliché out there about how showing up is the most important part. I hate when clichés are right. 

I’ve been friends with the instructor from one of my first classes at Everybody for years, and I’ve made a handful of really sweet (and buff!) gym friends just by showing up, and continuing to show up week after week.

You may have to be patient; this approach can be a slow burn. It took me a few months of consistently going to classes before I felt comfortable going from “Hi, have you taken this class before? Do you like it?” to “Let’s hang out outside of class sometime!”

Secret #2: Most people are just as nervous as you are to strike up a conversation.

When you take that initiative to start a conversation, it means a lot! Most people are really nervous to take that first step, which is why some queer spaces can feel clique-y at first. Even if you stumble on your words, or they don’t hear you the first time, you’re still automatically cool, because you have the guts to take that leap and make a possible connection.

Especially if you’re a musician, Queersound is THE spot for conversation starters. This is a traveling concert series based in LA that focuses on queer artists and inclusive performances. It’s organized by non-binary, queer powerhouse entrepreneur and musician Danielle Lande, and line-ups for Queersound shows feature local queer artists of all genres. 

The venues tend to be cozy, which makes for easy chit-chat between sets, and puts you in a great position to strike up conversations with fellow audience members, and with artists you feel inspired by. Not to mention the easy conversation starters, “Wow, what a great set! Have you seen them live before?” And if the vibes are weird, there’s a natural end to the conversation when the next artist starts their set.

Secret #3: Making friends online is possible, but get super specific.

When used intentionally, Lex can be an introvert’s friendship catalyst. Controversial, I know. 

If you’re not already acquainted with Lex, let me catch you up. Lex’s intention is to be a text-based queer community app, where you can make friends, meet cuties, find events, find housing, the list goes on. The intention is fulfilled, but here’s the tea. Lex can be a depraved, overwhelming space- especially when it comes to dating. You will never find thirstier, hornier queer people than on Lex. Which may sound fun on paper if you’re into that kind of thing, but be careful what you wish for.

How do you use Lex intentionally for friendship? I’m so glad you asked. Instead of just making a post like “Hiiii I want friends”, which will likely get you some interesting (creepy) responses, get specific. What do you envision yourself doing with your new friends? Walking dogs together? Crafting together? Joining a gay little soccer team together? Frame your first post around that.

“Who’s free this weekend and available to get boba, go to Barnsdall, and grieve brat summer?” for example. Feel free to add something about wanting ‘platonic connections only’ if that’s your jam. But if you want to leave the door open for more, that’s your prerogative, babe. 

Bonus Secret #3.5 (Hyperspecific for single people): Don’t burn bridges with your failed dating app connections.

Keep in touch, because they might just become your new friends. If things end on a sour note with your situationship, give it some time before reaching out to be friends. This could mean waiting a few weeks, months, or even years.

A solid amount of my friends are people I’ve met on dating apps. The longer you’re involved in the queer community, the more common you realize this is.

As queer people, we have the gift of getting really introspective about attraction, in a way that other communities can’t really relate to. Considering the difference between romantic, platonic, and sexual attraction is usually more cut and dry for most people, but for us, it’s fluid and less obvious. When I’m able to build a friendship from a situationship, it’s affirming, because my initial attraction ends up manifesting beautifully as platonic chemistry! And if you end up developing a little crush on your new friends, well that’s just one of the many, many joys of queer friendship.

Are you a queer community organizer? Want to be featured on the next issue of the Queer Connections blog series? You know where to find me!